‘Blood is Thicker than Water’: Stepfamilies raising biological and stepchildren.
‘Blood is thicker than water’ is a saying used to identify and define the strong connection that sets apart the ties between biological parent and children from any other. It may be true that this is the strongest and most connected relationship that exists in family structures. Due to the diversity of family culture in western society, research is presently questioning whether this saying is the only way to understand and define what creates the close connection in parent-child relationships. In Australia, single parent families are the second largest family form and stepfamilies are the fastest growing family form in western societies. Approximately 50% of families in America, Australia and England are stepfamilies (a couple in which one or both have a child from a previous relationship or have chosen to have children as a single person before partnering). Research is showing the development, function, and roles biological parents have with their children are being influenced by the changes that come with first-time family separation, single parents, divorce and forming a stepfamily. We are now seeing many children being raised in two homes with one biological parent and a stepparent in one or both of the children’s homes.
Children in stepfamilies may no longer have the same amount of physical time and support with their biological non-residential parent. In some stepfamilies, the children may have more physical contact and parent/carer-child support with a stepparent. I believe the residence and the relationships the children have with other significant carers in their primary and access homes can have a positive influence on close parent-child relationships that are not necessarily blood related. Children are able to have deep, warm, close relationships with their stepparent’s that can positively influence their overall health and wellbeing. I want to mention three points that stood out to me as I researched this topic that I find encouraging for stepparents who doubt, question and struggle with the possibility of having a close relationship with their stepchildren (Browning & Artelt, 2012; Ganong, Jensen, Sanner, Russell & Coleman, 2019; Jensen, Shafer & Holmes, 2017 & Papernow, 2013).
- Children who have a warm, connected relationship with their resident/access stepparent may experience reduced child stress and anxiety.
This point is showing up more and more in evidenced based literature. What I find encouraging about this is it seems children desire and need to have a connection with both the step and biological parent they live with. I can hear you saying, ‘Dr Sonia Cann-Milland, you would not think that from my stepchildren’s behaviour towards me’. I do not have the time, nor do you, to write all the reasons a child will behave inappropriately to a stepparent. Here are a few examples: not coping with the changes that are occurring within their family, not managing with high conflict biological parents, being teenagers (if they are), and having a loyalty bind with the non-residential biological parent who is struggling with the presence of a stepparent. It is not because they don’t want a caring, encouraging and loving stepparent in their lives. According to the research, a close relationship with their stepparent correlates with less stress in the children. You may be confused where you fit in the family and what your role is as a stepparent, just remember you matter and have a valuable role to play in your stepchildren’s lives that will positively influence their overall health and wellbeing.
- Biological parent-child relationships and connections vary due to a parent’s physical distance from their child.
Physical distance between a biological parent and child puts limitations on the parent’s involvement in the day-to-day life and overall development of the child. Children need to feel supported in their social, educational and emotional development. I addressed this issue in my thesis and found that both biological parents and stepparents who live physically close to their children and have a healthy relationship with them are more likely to develop and establish a closer emotional bond. This will result in the children feeling secure and supported in their home environment and other contexts outside the home. Children who have a biological parent living a long way from them, while they do not question their parent’s love, may still feel more stressed by the limited amount of physical and emotional connection they have with this parent. There is an association with children experiencing less stress when they have a healthy, consistent physical and emotional relationship between both biological parents and stepparents. Physical distance can be a preventer of that occurring. When separating from your partner or spouse, consider the benefits for your children of being physically accessible to them when you’re not living in the same home, as this impacts the close parent-child relationship.
- A warm and secure connection between the stepparent and stepchild in the child’s primary residence influences the development of stepfamily cohesion.
In my role as a counsellor, I hear from many couples who state the major cause of couple conflict for them is issues concerning the children. The biological parent often explains their desire for both their partner and children to have a close relationship. When this does not occur, the biological parent becomes overwhelmed and conflicted by the discord between their partner and children. The stepparents shared the desires and hopes they had: to be a part of their partner’s children’s lives in a significant, caring and positive way. Their lived experience turned out very differently, leaving them feeling confused in their role and distressed about their disconnected, detached and/or high conflict relationship with their stepchildren. For stepparents, this can cause them to feel like an outsider within their new family and their own home. Both these valid perspectives between the stepcouple can create stress and resentment in both relationships with the children and partner. The danger here is high levels of conflict can negatively impact the children’s development, emotionally, socially and cognitively. No matter what family structure you are in, a high conflict family environment is the most damaging to the child’s overall health and wellbeing.
When you are overwhelmed and stressed, take the time to prioritise self-care. Self-care is taking time to re-energise and redirect your attitude to connect with your partner. It is helpful to have a positive, effective conversation about the issue and support one another through it. Instead of seeing your partner as the enemy, lean in to them and be their greatest supporter. Here is the Lean in acronym I hope you find helpful.
Loyalty – Be steadfast in your devotion to your partner and purposeful outcome.
Empathise – Active listening, with compassion and understanding.
Articulate – In your own words, what your partner is trying to teach you.
Non-judgmental – Use ‘I feel’ and ‘you are helping me understand….’ statements.
Influence – Identify your own behaviours that can decrease negative effects on your partner.
Notice – What changes in thoughts, feelings and actions as a result of this conversation.
I will explore each point further in future blogs. Implementing these in your relationships will produce positive, healthy conversations that will benefit your whole family and decrease high conflict scenarios.
So, these three points are to highlight that the stepparent-stepchild relationship does matter. The biological parent-child connection is different and uniquely close due to the biological connection. The stepparent-stepchild relationship is valuable as it is a relational connection that builds on over time and can be cherished by both the stepparent and stepchild. Please be open to getting support for your stepfamily if you or the children are struggling to adjust to stepfamily life. As a step couple, support one another and the children in actively working together to build a warm, secure and caring home environment. Don’t ever forget, stepparents have an important role in making this happen and have much to give in supporting the health and wellbeing of the children.
References
Browning, S., & Artelt, E. (2012). Stepfamily therapy. Washington, DC: APA
Ganong, L., Jensen, T., Sanner, C., Russell, L., & Coleman, M. (2019). Stepfathers’ affinity-seeking with stepchildren, stepfather-stepchild relationship quality, marital quality, and stepfamily cohesion among stepfathers and mothers. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(5), 521.
Jensen, T. M., Shafer, K., & Holmes, E. K. (2017). Transitioning to stepfamily life: The influence of closeness with biological parents and stepparents on children’s stress. Child & Family Social Work, 22(1), 275-286.
Papernow, P. (2013). Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships. New York, NY: Routledge. http://dx.doi.org/10.4324/9780203813645